Warning! Rambling Guest Column Ahead!

Note: Jeff wrote the headline himself so blame him for the enthusiastic use of !'s.

My first guest blog appearance… This is very exciting.

If there is anything in this piece that is in any way not highly interesting and/or entertaining, you can just assume that Andrea edited it before she published it. Just kidding. Sort of.

On to my impressions of “CFS Club” at Nelson’s.

Hello Chicken Fry!

Here’s a picture of me doing a Fonzie pose by the “Hello Chicken Fry” sign. Andrea noted on our way in that I seem to really enjoy posing for pictures in front of signs. And I think she’s right. Look how happy I am!

I can’t explain it, but I do really enjoy having my picture taken in front of unusual signs. I would really like to post the one of me taken in front of the famous homeless “bathroom” disclaimer in the parking garage of the Atlas Life building, but this is a food-related blog, so I’ll abstain. (If you’ve seen it, you know what I’m talking about.)

I will tell you that my biggest recent regret is not taking my picture in front of the sign I saw in western Colorado last summer that warned of possible bear attacks. It was so funny because it noted that there was a bear in the area and gave tips on what to do if/when you encountered said bear. I don’t know if I would remember to follow the sign’s directions if I ever encountered a bear somewhere in western Colorado. I would mostly just hope that I had some sort of large-caliber firearm or fast-moving motor vehicle near by. Anyway… how cool is a sign like that? Too bad I didn’t think to take a picture of myself in front of it. Because I would definitely post it here if I had.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah… Nelson’s. So I used to go to the downtown Nelson’s a lot several years ago during the good old telecom meltdown days when I was a young PR guy at Williams Communications/WilTel. For some reason, crippling job stress made me crave deep-fried red meat and gravy.

The experience at the new location was much the same as the old place. Two things I always really liked about Nelson’s: (1) they warn you (with a sign!) to have your order ready when you get to the counter and (2) they are clearly annoyed if some hayseed steps up to the counter without their order ready.

I really think that we need more stringent expectations of consumers everywhere, like at the grocery store, for example. (Express means express! If you have a push basket, you should NOT be in the express line, even if you have “about” 14 items.)

The good news is these stringent guidelines are still in place at the new Nelson’s.

So being Nelson’s veterans, Andrea, Steve and I were poised with our order when we hit the counter. Unfortunately for me, Steve snagged the last chicken-fried steak, and it was going to be “about 5 minutes” for the next batch. With a long line of grizzled CFS veterans behind me and the place filling up fast, we were more than a little bit concerned about CFS-clubbers showing up and not being able to sit. So, instead of waiting the 5 minutes for the famous CFS, I opted for “chicken-fried chicken.” (Sidebar: why isn’t it just called “fried chicken?”) I was a bit bummed about not getting the CFS, but as you can see from this picture, I found the CFC to be acceptable.

One of the great things about CFS Club is learning about things that you weren’t aware of before. Like when Joy McGill and Kerry Malone were discussing the sprawling pork processing industry in the Oklahoma and Texas panhandles. Apparently that’s become a really big deal in the past 10-20 years and both Kerry and Joy provided a treasure trove of information about it.

I think my favorite story was the one about how the “product” makes its way down this big long conveyer-type thing and it’s sorted by its varying degrees of quality and other unspeakable things.

So basically you’re starting with the highest quality product on one end and then well… needless to say… the very last stop is “pet food.” I was actually sort of pleasantly surprised to learn that the very last stop wasn’t “hot dogs.” But I’m sure it was close to the end.

Who’s hungry?

- Jeff Pounds. Celebrity Club Czar. Ask him about it. Maybe you can get in.